Right up front: if you’re obsessed with celebrities, One Night in Paris is worth looking at. If you have no interest in Paris Hilton, who personifies fame for its own sake, then the only reason to watch it is to stoke the fire of your already blazing hatred of stupid people. If you want to see some idiots confirm your worst fears about the idle rich ruling classes, or if you really want to see a celebrity naked, this movie is a ten. If you are watching for any other reason - for instance, to see exciting sex – find your way to a different section of the site. Among other things, One Night in Paris is an object lesson in why you shouldn’t film your own porn with no cameraman, especially if you and your partner are both stupid narcissists with neither talent nor sense.
A friend of mine, when I said Paris Hilton wasn’t that hot, told me she was a hundred million dollars hot, and I guess that’s how you have to approach One Night in Paris. If you can get past how unbelievably irritating Rick Solomon is, and how unbelievably irritating night-vision porn is, and how unbelievably irritating the camera work is, then yes, Paris Hilton is hot. She’s no hotter than any gonzo star sucking dick and taking internal come-shots for eight hundred dollars a pop, and less hot than some of those, but okay, she’s hot. She's nineteen, she's blonde, and she's skinny - bam, she's hot. Unfortunately, she looks like a zombie raccoon a lot of the time because of the night-vision, or like a hunk of meat, because Salomon can’t keep the camera on her face and she’s just a disembodied pussy with a dick going into it. Salomon has no instinct for the camera and doesn’t realize that nobody wants to see him, they want to see a few hundred million dollars of idiot with a dick in her mouth.
Paris Hilton, Rick Solomon
The first segment is all night-vision, with Paris’s eyes glowing in the dark like a bizarre Discovery Channel commercial about nocturnal mating habits. There’s a lot of footage of the intersection of their bodies with their heads out of the frame, and anything that might be interesting lost in shadow. None of it is exciting, not his fake noises or his weak ass-slapping or the pretty much anonymous bodies that are all we really see. Even when they switch to reverse cowgirl, her face is out of the frame most of the time, and when you can see her, she looks like a cheap special effect (when in fact, she is a very expensive special effect). She says she’s having fun but at one point he’s fucking her from behind and she’s just got her chin on her hand looking bored while he grunts and heaves and pushes her face out of the picture. She finally makes him let her turn over in the missionary position, where she masturbates herself to orgasm and tells him, more or less, to get off her now.
He manages to talk her into a little cocksucking until she tells him she doesn’t like to do it and then smacks him, after which she gets up and leaves. He calls her a scumbag and a bitch and then shuts off the camera; I don’t know about you, but if I were releasing a porn tape, I’d leave the part where my spoiled rich girlfriend refused to suck my dick on the cutting room floor, but apparently Solomon is as smart as he is charming, and it stayed in.
There’s a little footage of Paris’s tits in the morning without the night vision – seems she objected to the way the night vision made them look all veiny and ugly – as Paris preens in front of the mirror and tries to look sexy, and some of her getting ready to go out; she’s wearing black lingerie and putting her hair together. She’s a whore for attention, though, and she’s always willing to do some posing. The dialogue between the two is heartbreaking because although she’s a grownup, she’s got all the mature judgment and sense of a twelve-year-old. Listen, if you will, to her squealing with prepubescent disgust when he says the word “pussy”. It’s like spying on a pair of middle-schoolers.
Rick’s next trick is to film himself going down on Paris, except he puts the camera in a position so you can’t see his face or her pussy, and she’s not even naked, so you don’t get to look at her tits while he’s doing it. Also, he makes sure a light is right between the two of them, so what you can see is backlit and shadowy. Finally he moves her to the bed, where the action still obscured but now distant and blurry as well as poorly lit and she’s still not naked. The only thing going on is that she’s moving her hips a little and the two of them are moaning. When she finally comes, he climbs aboard to fuck her missionary, to the constant musical accompaniment of her whining about how much it hurts and saying “ow” over and over, until he puts her on her belly and fucks her from behind until…well...until he stops.
Next up is the one (barely) acceptable scene in the movie, a non-night-vision blowjob scene. Even so, some of it is unfocused and wildly shot, and even when it does settle down, the camera is aimed wrong, with Paris off to the side. She's is a competent cocksucker at best, with no idea of finesse, tongue work, or anything that doesn’t involve just putting her mouth on the first four inches of Salomon’s dick. She can’t take any more of it than that, and you wonder why she hasn’t learned how to compensate for her inabilities. The answer, of course, is that she hasn’t had to because she doesn’t like sucking dick and doesn’t have to most of the time because she's spoiled and awful. She usually gets out of it by whining. She doesn’t escape this time, and the blowjob, punctuated by the two happily sniping at each other, ends with her jacking him off on her tits and keeping her face out of the way.
Special DVD features
The DVD features extra scenes, but they’re not of Paris and Rick; instead, it’s real porn, with scenes from various Red Light District releases. Randi Wright, Monica Sweetheart, Taylor Rain, and Teagan. The DVD also come with a second disc, a sampler with more than sixty trailers for Red Light gonzo movies.
Like I said at the beginning, if you’re celebrity obsessed (whether you like them or hate them) One Night in Paris is worth your money; if you just don’t care or you already hate them as much as you can possibly hate them, the extra scenes just aren’t worth the money; go out and buy some real porn.
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